Hello, sweet friends. If you took the time to read my last post, thank you, and welcome back. :) (Also, I haven’t done this in a looooooong time, but if you want to listen to beautiful music while you read, click here. :) I’m listening to it as I write to you. And…I just bought the sheet music. Huzzah!)

You might remember that during the middle of the year in 2024, I decided to choose a word to focus on for the remainder of the year, taking the place of a New Year’s resolution. I chose Nurture. As you might already know from reading here or on my social media pages, I have been fighting and learning to live with depression (I’ve been giving it a really good fight lately! Woot woot!) and so I chose Nurture to remind myself to take care of, not only myself, but my art, garden, house, and relationships. I felt that I was given the opportunity to start over with my life and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t rushing through, but taking the time to Nurture as many aspects as I could. Needless to say, it has benefited me greatly.
A year ago, I was one with the couch, crying, shaking, panicking, thinking I might die…
Right this second, I have little to no anxiety (unless you count the greater scale of the world right now), I don’t feel sad (again, scale of the world…), I don’t feel dread and doom (haha…scale of the world…). Overall, in my little corner of the world, my depression and anxiety is taking a back seat. I don’t know for how long, but I’ve learned to enjoy this feeling as long as I can, and then accept, and rest, when Depression and Anxiety come for a visit.

Now that I feel I understand my mental health more, I’ve moved onto a new word for the year while also keeping nurture in my back pocket: Become.
And because I feel as if I have a firmer handle on my life (do we ever really have a firm handle on life?), I can start to Become who I want and who I’m meant to Become.*
I want to become a person who walks daily, preferably right away in the morning.
I’m happy to say that since choosing this word weeks ago, I’ve only missed a few days of walking in the morning and it was due to being sick. I’ve walked when the weather was well below freezing (my eyelashes froze!), when it was snowing, when the sun has been slowly coming up, and recently in the “warmth.” I look forward to my walk every single day.
I want to become somewhat of a morning person.
I have always hated early mornings. I still do. But I learned that I don’t hate the early mornings when the sun is up and shining through all the windows. (To be transparent: early mornings = 7:45am for me. I could sleep until 11am every day.) I’m happy to say that except for a few days, I’ve been waking up with the sun, or when the sun has just come up a bit, even on the weekends. It feels good. I’ve always loved dusk and night, however. Some of my best work or writing has been in the middle of the night. So, I can’t say I’m an actual morning person, but I’m adjusting my schedule to get as much sun as possible. :)

I want to become an artist.
I understand that I technically am an artist. But, this is the first time I’ve ever just been allowed to solely focus on my art. Other times I’ve always been photographing weddings, working in school libraries, running Code Ninjas, or teaching. This is the first time in my life that I’m completely free to be an artist. I don’t want to take it for granted; I want to appreciate that part of me. I want to be able to proudly and confidently tell people that Yes, I’m an artist. I’m happy to say I’ve been getting better at that. Paul has a work party coming up and that will be a chance for me to practice. :)

I want to become healthier.
I don’t mean in terms of body size and shape. I don’t care about that. I mean overall, healthier. I want to eat food that helps my body and doesn’t leave me feeling like crap. I want to learn to eat foods I love, and that maybe aren’t the healthiest for me, in moderation. For example, if a bag of chocolates is anywhere I can see, it’s gone within a day. If there’s a pint of ice-cream in the freezer, I don’t waste time with a bowl, I eat the entire thing in one sitting. Unfortunately, my body doesn’t do well with too much sugar; it’s harder to breathe, I get uncomfortably bloated and my stomach is in pain, my energy level dips…
I want to learn how to not eat impulsively (which is how I eat the majority of the time). I want to see food as a helpful tool instead of always comfort. Comfort food is necessary every now and then, but I tend to use it as comfort almost daily. I want to release the guilt I feel when I eat the same foods all of the time. For some reason, (maybe it’s society or the countless recipes online) I tend to think that it’s better to have a huge variety, but it just makes my brain hurt and then I freeze and end up ordering Doordash instead.**

I want to become a writer.
I’m starting to embrace the fact that I am a writer. But I want to live through my writing, if that makes any sense. I want to live through my art, too. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does in my head. :) I want to pour more of myself into this blog without questioning whether or not people want to read it (I do care if you want to read it, but oftentimes I care so much that it stops me from writing. Silly, I know.) I want to immerse myself into my book more often, again, without caring what others think. I want to grow in my confidence that I am a writer and I do have things to share. When I was in my 20’s and wanting to write a book, I thought I was too young and no one would care. I heard that when you get into your 30’s you stop caring. I’m getting there, slowly but surely. :) I turn 36 in April — I’m overdue for not caring and just creating and writing.

I want to become a good human.
I tend to think that the best version of myself was when I was a teacher. Now that that door is closed, am I still able to be the best version of myself? Yes, I’m starting to find out. I had a voice when I was teaching. I knew I was impacting young minds and I didn’t take that lightly. I taught them to have a voice, to care for others, to show kindness, to defend those that are in need, to not be a bystander, to have faith in themselves. They inspired me daily and they made me hopeful for the future. So, in a way, I want to be like them. I want to continue using my voice and not be ashamed for what I believe or who I choose to help, or the fact that maybe I’m different than others, or that I’ve changed and will continue to change as I experience more of life.

I want to become me.
This entire mental health journey has shed so many layers and sowed seeds of change in ways I never thought possible. I’ve been learning who I am in a way I haven’t before. I grew up, lived with my parents and two siblings, started dating Paul, moved up to St. Cloud to be near him (I know, I know, probably not the best idea since I was 19, but I just knew he was it, like 1+1=2; thankfully, that hasn’t changed), got engaged, lived together, marriage, yada yada yada. I was never truly on my own. I cared what everyone around me thought I should be doing, how I should behave, what I should believe, even how I should look. (No one forced me to be such things, it’s just how my brain is wired: aimed to please.) Depression kicked me down the deepest hole without any familiar versions of my past self to hang onto. I even forgot how I used to start creating a calendar!
In January of 2024, when I first began therapy, we talked about what Little Nikki would want her life to look like. I had/have been given an opportunity to start from scratch — how would/will Little Nikki design it? That continues to be a guiding force in this entire process. As the last year has gone by, my home has started to look and feel more like me. (Because I have a permanent roommate, I double check with him when my creativity starts flowing all over the house; he could care less and says, “Do it, Beauty.” Such a good roommate.) Having the freedom to create has been monumental in this journey. My garden is not for show, but for enjoyment. I don’t care if it’s messy or if the plants shouldn’t be placed together for random reasons; my garden is me in plant form. My art has become me in paint form on canvas. As simple as it sounds, my haircut/style is me. I feel like myself, like my younger self mixed with this 35-year-old self. It’s becoming a lovely balance and I’m excited to see how it continues to grow.

How about you, friend? Did you pick a word last year to focus on? If not, what were your resolutions (if you made any — no pressure to do so at all!)? I would love to hear from you. If you picked another word for this year, please share in the comments. Your writing always makes my day.
Big hugs and love to you,

*If I’ve learned anything throughout this past year, it is that things can change at the drop of a hat. Maybe I’ll have to continue focusing on Nurture and put Become in my back pocket. Maybe I’ll enter another six months of deep depression. I don’t know what my future holds, but I remain optimistic.
**After talking more and having screening done with my psychiatrist and therapist, I show “significant symptoms” of ADHD. I haven’t been formally diagnosed, but I’ve been using ADHD coping strategies for issues I’ve had and they’ve been a game changer. One of them is making a list of foods I love and could eat over and over. When I’m hungry, I look at the list and choose from one of them. It’s as if my brain can’t handle endless options with no direction. Having a list of foods I know I enjoy and have on hand has been so helpful. I haven’t been eating impulsively or excessively for the last week since I started. Who knows if it will last, but I’m going to try my best to continue having organization with my eating habits.
Simplify.
Barely making a dent on that but some day. ;)
Keep being amazing, Little Nikki!!!
Thank you so much, Andy!! :)
My 2025 words are Plein Air, Surrender, Commit :)
Love your writing :)
Oh, I love those words, Melanie! Especially Plein Air. So beautiful! Hope you’re doing well! Hugs to you!