Hello, dear friend! How are you today? Is it sunny and breezy where you are? Or are you under the clouds like we are currently in the Twin Cities? I don’t mind the clouds today; the breeze feels good and every once in awhile the sun is making its appearance. Not too shabby for the middle of April.

I won’t be writing too long today — we’re in the process of building the platform for the greenhouse(!!!!) today and I need to make sure I’m available to help Paul during the more difficult parts. I already teared up today as we were building it; I can’t believe I get my own little playhouse surrounded by flowers. When I was a little kid, my dad built us a little dollhouse/playhouse in the backyard. I loved it. It was yellow (my favorite color) with white trim and a little front porch. I loved it. Even when the random hornet nest showed up. I loved it. And now, I get to enjoy another one. I have big plans for it, too. There’s something I’ll be sharing with you eventually, but right now I’m letting the idea stir and simmer; trust me, you’ll love it too as it will include you. :)

Okay! Onto what I really wanted to talk about: a new addition to the blog. I made a Pinterest board back in January 2024 for my depression and it quickly grew to hundreds of pins with quotes and other things to help me get through the dark times. I still use it weekly, whenever I need a reminder that I’m not alone, healing isn’t linear, I’m not a burden, and much more.

As some of you already know from my old social media posts, I have been writing a book for the past 7-8 months. It began when I needed something tangible to read to help me through one of my dark days of depression, wanting more than a Pinterest board. And then I thought, maybe other people could use something similar, something to remind them that they’re not alone, that their healing isn’t linear, that they’re not a burden, and much more. Thus, I began writing my book using my own personal experience with depression and anxiety. It came together almost like little essays or short chapters, tackling different issues that arise with mental health. I also started including my diary entries, because as much as we’d like to think that articles on the internet can help someone going through this, reading it in “live time” is something entirely different. Depression causes memory loss, so even writing about a dark cloud day three days later is entirely different than writing it as it’s happening. And that’s something I wanted to provide to people, another way of proof that their experience is similar to others.

I originally shared the file with a few family members and friends, wanting their opinion as someone who hasn’t gone through it. I was told they could now better understand what goes on in someone’s mind when they’re dealing with this; I was told it was hard to read, emotionally, but that it needed to be said; I was met with concerns that it might be “too real” for people to read, that maybe I needed to sugarcoat the realities. Although good input, I am not sugarcoating my experience. That’s one of the hardest things for people to realize in the valleys of depression: no one understands me. I want my words to resonate with people so they feel understood. How many people might still be here if they felt understood? If they knew they weren’t alone? If they knew it wasn’t their fault?

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I felt bottled up, like I needed to help people now. It’s not like I’m able to pump out 50 pages in a week; I write when I’m going through tough moments, when I remember things that could help others, or just when I’m feeling focused. What if it took 5 more years to finish? What about the people now that need help and comfort? How can I reach them? So, I’m turning my book into a series of blog posts on the blog instead. I’ll be adding a category called “Mental Health” and although I won’t be posting about mental health every week, you can expect to see it pop up more often.

Even if you’re not someone going through this, I encourage you to try to read some of it. People with depression need to be understood or at least shown empathy even if others don’t really understand what’s going on. My parents have been with me through this since the beginning, and still they say they can’t fully understand, but they hear me. They know I don’t choose this and I’m not lazy or whatever other stereotypes that come with this God-awful illness.

If you know someone going through this or you know someone who has had to watch someone else go through, invite them to the blog or send them a post they might find helpful. As a disclaimer, there is a large spectrum of depression/mental illness. Maybe something I write on here doesn’t resonate with you even though you’re going through depression; that’s okay. Not everyone’s experiences are the same. Or if you’ve never had trouble simply getting out of bed and bathing yourself, please don’t think those that have are lazy. Maybe you’ve never experienced that type of depressive episode. Everyone’s experiences are valid, please remember that when you visit the blog.

When I was first diagnosed, I searched in vain for someone’s personal experiences online. Of course there’s Reddit, but if you’ve ever been on there for too long, you might start to lose hope. I needed something more, almost like a blueprint of what I could expect, what was “normal,” what others are thinking, etc. I needed something more than a plethora of comments. Don’t get me wrong, Reddit can be a good way to feel validated, but again, I wanted more like an outline, a guidebook. Does that make sense?

This was my daily routine during the months of January, February, and most of March 2024. I needed a blanket, heating pad, my stuffie Mickey Mouse, and some sort of TV show to take me away from my reality. Oftentimes I couldn’t get warm enough, hence the winter hat (thanks, Ashley!!).

Because I know depression and mental illness can be triggering for people, I’ll always make sure I put a trigger warning with certain subjects at the beginning so you can choose to skip reading or simply skim it. Take care of yourself always, friend.

Paul just got home from getting another part so I’m needed in the backyard!

Thank you for allowing me to be completely open and vulnerable on this blog. It means more than you can possibly know.

Big hugs and love to you,