Content Warning: suicide

As I write to you, I am currently on the long, uphill battle of understanding and adapting to depression and anxiety. Perhaps you are too. I wanted to write this book (now blog series), to compile all of these notes, for you. And for myself. When I finally realized what was going on with my brain and began to get help in early 2024, I was desperate for any type of comfort, to release even an ounce of the pain. I found a book, coincidentally titled The Comfort Book by Matt Haig, and it was as if finally someone was hearing me and giving me a voice. I was reading someone’s words who had gone through what I was currently battling and I didn’t feel as alone.

I have been given the best support system I could ask for. Even though they can’t completely understand what is going on in my head, they are there for me. But in the beginning, I still felt alone, even with them by my side, because unless you’re in the thick of it too, or whether you’ve experienced depression or anxiety, you can’t truly know what is going on. And for me, it was never an easy thing to put into words. Mostly I would just say, “I’m tired.” But, there is so much more to the dark storm clouds of depression and anxiety than just tiredness. My hope is that this book (blog series) will hear what you’re saying and you will feel like you’ve been given a voice when you can’t put words to your emotions.

This all started with a Pinterest board I created when I first got help. It quickly grew to thousands of pins, all with words of affirmation, definitions of mental health, coping mechanisms, how to reframe thoughts, trauma information, and so much more. On the days when I feel like I’m going backwards (we are never going backwards; nothing can take away the progress we’ve made), I reach for that board and devour the words of others, each one lifting me up one tiny inch at a time.

One night, I had the craving to cuddle on the couch with an imaginary book that was basically my saved pins. I yearned for it. That’s when I decided to first write this as a book, which is now being turned into a blog series titled Snowdrops. It’s for you and myself. It’s for those going through the dark days, it’s for those who want someone to understand what they’re going through, it’s for loved ones watching others struggle. It’s a hug in a blog. I want to send you as much beauty, magic, whimsy, and support I can fit into the following posts. I want you to remember your worth as you read and explore this series. I want to give you hope and the will to keep fighting. I want you to remember that good days are ahead and this is not the end. 

In February of 2024, I almost lost my own will to fight. If my husband, Paul, would not have been home with me, I cannot guarantee I would be here. If I didn’t have the tiny ounce of strength to scroll through photos of memories with my nephews and nieces, I don’t think I would have had the ability to come back to Earth. You lose your logical thinking in those moments, you’re in Fight or Flight, and you cannot see past the storm clouds. It’s not your fault. But please, don’t give up. The days are still worth living. And that’s what I want to show you in this series.

I continue to look through any and all photos of me with my nieces and nephews when the dark days come. They are truly what have kept me going all this time.

I chose the name, Snowdrops, for this book (blog series) because it was all I could do to get through winter and make it to spring. It was in those dark days of winter that I nearly slipped away. But, the thought that kept me going on most days was that spring would be coming soon. I told myself, If I can just make it to spring, I’ll beat this. We had an unusually warm winter in Minnesota that year (something I viewed as a loving gift from Mother Nature), and each day I would search for the green bits of life popping out of the ground. I cannot express the joy I felt when those first sprouts nudged their way through the cold soil. Spring had made it, I had made it. Snowdrops is your path to spring, a reminder that it is coming and you will see the light again.

Sending you all the love and hugs, friend. Keep going.

Continue reading more from the Snowdrops series here.