I'm Nikki, a creative old soul who loves tea time, tip-toeing through gardens, mounds of books, swaying to records, watercolors, sunset walks with our three yorkies, and star-gazing with Paul. This blog carries snippets of my life with just us two (five with Rusty, Lucy, & Ethel) - I hope it brings you happiness as you snuggle in with something warm and delicious and begin reading. Enjoy, friends!

the blog!

If I had to choose:

Rambling Thoughts on Mountains and Molehills

Last night, I was feeling low and discouraged. A bit defeated. We watched our beautiful baby niece this weekend and because I got to have the teensiest, tiniest slice of what might have been had we’d been able to have kids (and wanted kids), the “what’s my purpose” question resurfaced and spiraled the past couple of days.

It began with: I’m not a photographer anymore, I’m not a teacher anymore, I’m not going to be a mom, I am an artist but…

What if this all doesn’t work out? What if I sell nothing? What if I fail at art?

Of course, that is the dark cloud raining those thoughts down on me. That’s not really what I think all of the time, which is what my wonderful therapist reminded me of today. Just a few sessions ago I was feeling so proud of my work and hopeful for my future as an artist.

That’s what I’m learning about all this mental health stuff: it is a constant wave of emotions. Some days I’m up, others I’m down. Apparently this is normal with others, as I’ve also been learning. I didn’t know that. I thought I was supposed to be happy all the time. I don’t have to be happy all of the time.

Call me naive, but I never let that thought sink in until recently. I’ve been waiting for the Happy days so I can get stuff done, make art, and clean, instead of just doing all those things and then realizing that eventually Happy will find me. It’s hard to remember that though. On the Down, Low, or Dark Cloud Days, I just want to curl into a ball and wait for it to go away.*

Coming back to the spiraling questions about what to do with my life…

As I was saying, last night I was discouraged, downtrodden, etc. I was feeling stuck, stagnant, and antsy all at the same time. I tried to convey to Paul what was going on in my head, but half the time it’s hard for me even to understand. So, I took my thoughts to pen and put it down in my diary.

I wrote that I’m afraid to try to sell my art because what if it doesn’t sell? What if I put all this effort into it and nothing happens? What if it flops? What will I do next? This is my last option! (Seems a bit dramatic, don’t you think?) I’ve been feeling stuck because I want to sell my art, but I don’t want to have it out there in case nothing happens. And my excuse I’ve been using for not selling yet? I don’t know how to ship big art pieces.

Once I reread what I wrote, I had to laugh at myself a bit. I’m afraid of failing, plain and simple. Just as I was all those years ago with photography (what if no one books me?), just as I was when I got my first classroom (what if the kids hate me and I don’t know anything?), and just as I was when I made my first calendar (what if it’s ugly and no one wants it?). If time has proven anything, someone will like my art. Even if it’s just my family and friends. But maybe I should be asking, do I like my art?

And the answer is yes. I love looking at the pieces I’ve been making. So, is that enough?

For someone who unfortunately puts a lot of emphasis on money defining success, it’s not, but I’m learning and training my brain that money does not equal success. In the interview I gave in November, they asked me what was my definition of success. And although half my answer was excluded from the video, I remember saying something similar to, “Am I making someone else’s day better by my art or writing?” If I can do that, that’s really the best I can hope for. To me, that’s a better definition than anything to do with money. Now, if I can only realize that on the Down days, I’ll be just fine.

(Looking back through old blog posts, I was also debating whether I was an artist or not here. Self confidence has never been my forte.)

So, after rereading what I had written last night, about not knowing how to ship large art, I did a quick search, and lo and behold there were simple answers to my very simple question. I bought the supplies I needed, they’ll be here Saturday, and now I really have no excuse to not sell my art. Except my self-doubt, which I shall be thwarting every chance I get. Making mountains out of molehills is my expertise, a skill I’m learning to unlearn. :)

I hope you’re all doing well, friends. And if you have any self-doubt around anything, I hope you’re able to see how blatantly awesome you are. And if you’ve been making mountains lately, I hope you’re able to zoom out and see how tiny they really are.

Hugs and love to you,

*On the really rough days, I will just wait out the storm. On those days, it’s hard to just be awake. If you feel the same, be nice to yourself. Treat yourself as if you’re the kid version of you. Feed yourself peanut butter toast and hot tea. Put on a Disney movie and curl up in a blanket. Preferably with a furry pet or a favorite stuffie.

  1. Connie says:

    Nikki,
    I love your openness. Sharing what you are going through, feeling and how you are getting through it each time helps me see things in a different light too.

    • Nikki says:

      Connie, thank you so much for reading my rambling thoughts! :) I’m so glad it’s been helpful for you – just hearing that makes it even more helpful for me. Hope you’re doing well! Hugs to you.

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