What is our joy worth?

Trigger Warning: death of pet

Hello, dear friend. How are you? Is it snowing where you live? Are you going to have a White Christmas? We’re currently in the middle of a Winter Weather Advisory; it’s been snowing all day, and it’s the beautiful quiet snowfall where everything seems muffled under a white blanket. We took the dogs on a walk as the snow fell around us — pure magic.

I hate to begin this with bad news, but when I said we took “the dogs,” I didn’t mean Rusty. Yes, it breaks my heart to tell you that my darling little prince has gone to the Rainbow Bridge, most likely greeted by his sister, Lucy (that’s him as a puppy in the photo above). Rusty was 13 1/2, hard of hearing, nearly blind, and had a terrible case of dementia. Yep, dogs can get dementia, too. And it’s cruel. It’s heartbreaking to watch. He would stare at walls and bark/scream (high-pitched as if he were in terrible pain); he would forget how to walk through the dog gate in our kitchen, utterly confused; he would pace most of the night and cry; he would have accidents in the house; he wouldn’t let us hold him for more than a few seconds…overall, my sweet boy’s quality of life was dismal. I talked to multiple doctors and they agreed that it might be time to say goodbye (even though he was physically fine, minus the hearing/sight). I’d been noticing his decline for a couple of years but Paul wasn’t ready (which I understand). It wasn’t until the week before Thanksgiving that Rusty really showed Paul he was ready to go. We made the appointment on Thursday for the following Monday. He had visitors all weekend (even on the day he left) saying their goodbyes to our sweet boy.

On Monday, we took him for a long walk, just us three. The same doctor that helped us with Lucy arrived in the afternoon. Friends, as tragic as it is to say goodbye, it was beautifully done. We hadn’t seen Rusty so rested in years. While he slept on the pillow, we were able to kiss him, hug him, pet him without him getting anxious. It was wonderful to hold him like that. When all was done, Paul carried him out to the doctor’s car in a beautiful basket where he was wrapped in a blue blanket. We put him in the back seat, gave him more kisses and whispered I love you’s and Thank you’s and You were such a good boy…and then we said goodbye. We got 13 years with him; how lucky are we? He officially came home last week and his urn sits next to Lucy’s on my dresser in our bedroom. I can’t sleep without them.

But earlier I said we took “the dogs”…yes, we ended up adopting another yorkie not long after my last post about losing Lucy. Her name on the website was Sweet Martha and hers was the only application I was able to complete without bursting into tears. I believe in fate — Martha (who we renamed Rosie) was meant to come home with us. According to her foster mom, we were the only people she didn’t bark at when meeting new people. We spent an hour with her during our initial meet-up, and then decided to have Lynn (foster mom) bring her over to meet Rusty and Ethel which would decide whether or not we welcome her home. When she arrived the next day, all tails were wagging. Rosie literally ran to me and jumped in my arms. Needless to say, she is our newest joy. She couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. She is the happiest, silliest, friendliest, sweetest ray of light in these last few dark months. Her and sweet Ethel are bonding, even sleeping next to each other; I knew Rusty didn’t have long and I wanted Ethel to have a buddy. She never lived without Lucy and I didn’t want to see her struggle without Rusty. She adored Rusty. We are so grateful for Rosie, and of course, she is already following me wherever I go. I’m honored. 🙂

Miss Rosie Lynn. Rosebud. Rosalina. Rose Gold. Rosie. Rose.

I’m still mourning Lucy and Rusty. Rusty’s has been slightly easier to cope with due to knowing he was declining for years and due to the fact that we were lucky enough to get 13 years with him. Lucy’s death is still traumatic for me. There’s still a fresh wound on my heart and tears come out of nowhere. Lately, life has been so busy with little things that I haven’t been able to focus on her, but now that things have slowed down, I imagine there will be more crying and more looking through old photos and videos, and just more in general spending time with her and Rusty and their memories.

I’ve begun the 2027 calendar; the first completed page is February, a month of loving pets. It made sense to include my dearly departed darlings, including others, too. And to remind people how precious animals’ souls are to us. Some of you have known Rusty since my first days of blogging! I’ve had people message me on Instagram saying how they feel like they’ve known him for forever…he made a lot of people happy. Thank you for allowing me to share this chapter with you.

Speaking of calendars, there’s still more of the 2026 calendar available in my shop!! And I hear they make great gifts…:) This calendar is truly my best work. My heart and soul went into it, and over the course of two years it patiently came to fruition. I’m proud of all my work, but this one is special. If you’ve already purchased one, thank you so much and I hope you’re enjoying it! 🙂 If you haven’t gotten one yet and would like to, here’s the link to my shop. 🙂 https://nikkijeantran.etsy.com

I wish this post could have been a bit cheerier, but such is life sometimes. Low valleys, high mountains, and everything in between. Soon we’ll be taking Ethel and Rosie to the ocean and warm sunshine, definitely a high mountain we’re looking forward to. Until then, we’re hunkering indoors and enjoying the snow falling outside the windows. Paul just went out to shovel a path for the girls so they could go potty. I’m listening to music that reminds me of Lucy, twinkle lights are on in every room, I just got a large order of tubes of paint from Dick Blick’s, and Rosie is curled in a basket next to my desk while Ethel enjoys the heat from the faux fireplace.

I recently painted a couple of canvases on a night when I was feeling overwhelmed and full of emotion (grief for Lucy and Rusty). I think I’ll start adding more canvases to my Etsy shop. I believe I’m ready to part with more of them. One just sold the other week and it gave me a thrill knowing it will be on someone else’s wall to enjoy. What an honor. Truly.

I’ve begun visiting the public library! How come I hadn’t stepped foot inside one since I was a kid? Even though I was a school librarian for a tiny blip in time? I have no answers. But, I’m thrilled to say it has become a common occurrence over the last four months or so. I stay for an hour or more and come home with 8-15 books at a time. I devour each book as soon as I can (and have given myself permission to quit reading a book if I’m not enjoying it; life is too short for unappealing books) and have even found I have a new favorite series and author: Evie Dunmore who writes the series of The League of Extraordinary Women. There’s four books in the series, each following one of the women in the friendship group. It takes place in the Victorian era in England while women were still fighting for their freedom. It’s romance, history, feminism, fashion, Britain..all extremely delightful things. It’s a bit spicy (which makes it even better), so a warning if that’s not your thing. If so, I highly, HIGHLY recommend her books, Bringing Down the Duke, A Rogue of One’s Own, Portrait of a Scotsman, and The Gentleman’s Gambit. It’s hard to choose a favorite, but Portrait of a Scotsman might be on the top of my list. Her books make me want to try my hand at writing romance…I have the best muse, Paul. 🙂

There are lots of babies coming into our life throughout last month and soon this month! Babies galore! My best friend had her fourth baby, a girl, in early November; my sister-in-law had her second child, a boy, the day before my best friend. My niece and other best friend are both due for theirs (both boys) on December 18th, the day my Gramps turns 91! It’s been exciting, and it’s even more so as we wait for the next two babes to be born. And because we are a lucky aunt and uncle team, we got to spend a week with our 18-month old niece, Olivia, while my sister-in-law gave birth to my nephew, Theo. (People who have kids, we don’t know how you do it!! Ha! We were exhausted all the time!!!) We changed diapers, made breakfast and dinner, took Olivia to daycare, read her bedtime stories, gave her a bath, brushed and styled her cute curly hair, watched some Ms. Rachel…and then when my sister-in-law and brother-in-law came home with Theo we got to help with newborn duties. 🙂

Oh, I love holding newborns. The first one I ever held was my niece on Paul’s side, Maggie, over 17 years ago. The second newborn was Johnny, my first nephew. I remember how homesick I would get for him when I couldn’t be with him and hold him.

I just realized that Ethel doesn’t get much love on this blog. Probably because out of all our pups, she has been the easiest and least dramatic. 🙂 But she deserves to be praised. She is the sweetest, most innocent dog/human/soul ever. Throughout all the low valleys this year and the past two years, Ethel has been a constant source of light. And she is so strong. She’s survived losing her sister, her brother, and now is fully welcoming Rosie into her 1-dog pack. We got her tested for everything that Lucy struggled with, and thankfully she just needs to be on medication and a special diet for PLE. No cancer, nothing crazy severe. She goes into the vet (we’re going to specialists at BluePearl Hospitial ever since Lucy; they’re absolutely amazing; they also offer the in-home euthanasia service which is what we used for Lucy and Rusty) in two weeks to check her protein levels and we’re hoping someday she’ll be off medication and back to eating her regular food. Crossing our fingers! But oh-so-glad she’s not in pain.

My beautiful niece, Gabby, with Ethel when she was six months pregnant!! She’s due any day now!

That’s been another high mountain for us lately; our nieces have been visiting often and it’s always their choice! 🙂 We’ll get a text from them saying they’re bored or they’re out shopping and they want to visit, get dinner, etc. We’ve gotten to know their struggles, their joys, their boyfriends, their silly quirks…I’m so lucky they choose to hang out with us. We took them on a once-in-a-lifetime-trip to New York City and England (via ship!) a few years ago and since then our bond has continued to grow. I love these girls and am just honored they love us too. They bring us an infinite amount of joy.

Sometimes they call me to make them pasta. I happily oblige. And then I bust out photos of me when I was 19 (they’re similar in age) and dancing the night away with my three best friends. 🙂

Listening to Uncle talk about physics…:)

On the car ride to board the ship to England. 🙂

Happily doing my Auntie duties.

Whenever we drove to our next house in England, they took naps. Understandable.

Favorite memories were of us just hanging out at the house(s), each doing our own thing or watching movies together…

…or when Emily cooked us fried rice (with Uncle’s help). 🙂

Drinks at the nearby pub. Enchanting.

My beautiful, smart, talented nieces on the way to Paris.

We were all ready to go home at the end. Ha! 🙂

They’ve also been grieving the loss of Lucy and Rusty, Rusty in particular. He’s been Emily’s buddy since he was a puppy. She came over to say good-bye which thrilled Rusty to no end.

Emily and Rusty, 12 years ago.

What a random post! I didn’t expect it to turn into joyful writing about my nieces and nephews…to be fair, they aways bring us joy, so maybe I should just include writings about them whenever I have a more dismal post to share. 🙂

If you’ve made it down to here, thank you for following along! And if there’s anything I can take away from this post: life is constant, death is inevitable. The highs balance the lows. Babies are born every minute, bringing so much happiness and innocence into the world. Our beloved pets bring us immense joy and then heartbreaking sadness. But without the sadness, there would be no joy. Without love, what is life?

Big hugs and love to you, dear friend. And if I’m not back on early enough, wishing you a beautiful holiday season!!